July 1, 2007

Breakdown I had a break down today, I was feeling really ill, had palpitations and the impending doom of an anxiety attack and suddenly felt really helpless. I have heard from different people that this happens when you go away for a while, especially when you are away from familiar things. I knew it, and it still shocked me, as I sat weeping in front of my laptop for no apparent reason. I think I was just tired, having traveled back to Bangalore just to check e-mail and fill out loan applications and buy some books. I just did not know how to get back on the bus and it was a good thing - I ended up getting really sick later that night, likely due to the random places that I had eaten at over the weekend.

I am still quite ill, but after a much-needed talk with my sister, I am feeling better, at least mentally. Physically, I am exhausted, I have lost probably 5 to 7 pounds over the last week and I feel more sapped of energy than I have in a while. The 5 hour journey back to Chitradurga did not help this feeling. I took this picture on the bus back this morning.


At first, I was afraid to admit, so publicly, that I broke down. Then I realized that maybe (just maybe) I am not the only one who feels just a bit lonely, when you are the only one who speaks the language and are far away from everything even a proper phone connection. I have been okay for more than a month now, but I realized that the isolation of my field site coupled with an environment that is not necessarily welcoming (literally - see previous post on bugs), has just weighed a lot more heavily on me than I had ever expected.

to top it off, my first day of fieldwork was a disaster... i got here late, was late to meet the SHG members who had come from villages all over, and had some kind of stomach virus. All in all, it was a terrible way to start my work, but hopefully I will come through it and make this project a success.

Also, it did not help that the training director of the NGO is so overbearing and insensitive and did practically everything but accuse me of lying about being sick. He started treating me differently as soon as Doug (my RA) left. Its so interesting to me how some of the Indian men here, treat me like I am some sort of child that they can boss around and disrespect unless there is a Westerner present. I am finding more and more how deep-rooted thier vision of women is, at least in more rural parts of the country. I felt it a lot more since I have come to this rural pat of Karnataka, because before this, gender roles did not seem so pronounced.